Cockroaches….. I’ve known a few….. up close and kinda personal.

The very first one I met was on a hot Sacramento summer day…..triple digit hot.

It was my day off and I had a list of things to accomplish, a this-will-take-all-day-long list.

I started out thirsty so stopped at the convenience store on the corner and filled the largest cup halfway with ice and the rest with Diet Coke.

Pushed the straw through the hole in the lid, paid the clerk and was on my way.

I sipped my ice cold drink all afternoon but eventually, it was gone.

Gone except for the little bit of ice left in the bottom.

I sucked on the straw for a few more cold swallows.  

Just a little more of my day to complete before I was done but I became thirsty again.

I reached for the almost empty cup propped up on the passenger seat next to my purse.

I pulled the lid off with my teeth, put the cup to my lips, tilted my head back and I trapped a few ice cubes in my mouth.  

I crunched on them til they were gone.

They were delicious. 

I figured that would hold me til I got home.

But, I knew there was a little more ice at the bottom.

While I was waiting for the red light to turn green, I  stirred  at it, then looked down to see what I’d done.

What I saw at the bottom of the cup was more than ice.

There was  something kinda dark and long.

For sure, NOT an ice cube.

I tried REAL hard to block out the rushing thoughts and make it be an ice cube but, it just wasn’t.

The light turned green and I pulled over at the first safe spot I saw.  

I looked again, down in the cup.

For sure it wasn’t ice.

It wasn’t moving but, no matter how much I wanted it to be, ice it was not.

I sat quiet for a few moments thinking the situation over.

A long time ago my father-in-law, whom I adored ,taught me to always pull something GOOD out of everything BAD.

OK, first something BAD…..there was “something” besides ice in my cup and from every picture I’ve ever seen of a cockroach, THAT’S who was lying down there with the ice.

Now…..something GOOD.

Well, he was still in the cup.

I hadn’t slurped him up with the straw and right smack down my throat.

But then another BAD thoughts turn….what if when I started out with that cup…..what if there were two?

Oh and one more BAD……did he pee in there?

Did that cockroach pee in my coke?

I guess some things are better left unKNOWN!

I don’t stop for fountain drinks any longer. 

Somehow I never get that thirsty.

……………………

Enter cockroach number two.

When we both worked, my husband and I did big grocery shopping once a month and picked up the little stuff in between as we needed it.

On big grocery shopping days, we’d go up and down the aisles and toss anything and everything that looked good into our basket.

Sometimes it felt like we were up and down those aisles for hours.

Then to the check-out, next load up the car…..unload at home and the worse part, putting it all away.

Oftentimes after this half-day ordeal, when dinner time rolled around, with the cupboards, fridge & freezer loaded with food…..we were both too tired to cook.

Those were and still are our go-out or take-out days.

One big shopping day as we passed the Deli section, the Chinese food looked appetizing. 

It was made daily and the Chef was there in his apron and hat to dish it out.

My husband loves Chow Mein…..not me.

But, the egg rolls?….that’s another story. they looked pretty darn good.

So, we decided there was our dinner, right there…..a carton of Chow Mein and a couple egg rolls to go.

Later that evening, our dinner went from the familiar cartons to bowls, next into the microwave and then on to our plates.

We’re TV watchin’ eaters.  

Yep, we sit in front of the TV every night and watch the news as we eat dinner.  The eating behavior that every article in life tells you not to do, we do it…..EVERY night.

We did our days of dining room table dinners when our kids were gathered around it.  

Now, unless Mark, my son-in-law is coming for dinner, it’s TV trays and the evening news.

For Mark, we sit around the table, he likes that.

There’s always left-over Chinese, right?

It went to work with Lobo the next day in a Tupperware container.

That evening shortly after he walked in from work, I saw the container on the kitchen counter, it was still full.

‘Why didn’t you eat?” I wanted to know.

His face turned a shade of pale and he began his story. 

He’d warmed up his lunch, put a forkful in his mouth, and bit down to a hard crunch.

At the moment of impact, he realized that Chow Mein does not have a crunch to it.

He opened his mouth and let it all drop back into the bowl.

He didn’t look, covered it and brought it home and there it was on our counter.

I stirred it around a bit and saw it, a dark crunched-on object with what looked like a couple curly antennas lying still amongst all those noodles.

A flashback to the drowned-in-my-Diet-Coke incident convinced me, yep…..a cockroach.

How horrible!

Witin minutes, the three of us…..Lobo, me and the crunchy-thing were on our way to the guy in the apron and hat behind the Chinese Food display at our local grocery store.

We told him our story.

He took a look.

“No cockroach.”

“Um, YES cockroach” I replied.

OK he decided, he’d send it to the lab for an analysis.

We returned a week later for the results.

Did we even think for a moment that it was gonna say “Chow Mein Cockroach?”

He said the lab results indicated it was a “grilled piece of meat”….duh, really?

A grilled piece of meat with curly antennas?

It didn’t really matter to us, we were certain of what we saw.

At that point, he did inform us that according to the rules/guidelines of the FDA, food is allowed to have a certain percentage of little insect parts.

And, of course, that made us feel instantly better.

In reality, my mind was wrestling with a fact…..I chomp into burgers and lots of other meat which is right out there in the open……animal parts.

So, what’s the difference if it’s an animal or an insect?

I’m not sure but didn’t want to take it any further in my Walter Middy mind.

In the end, we got a fairly insincere apology and a look on his face that kinda said, JUST GET OUTTA HERE and would we like a free quart of Chow Mein?

“With or without” I asked.

He didn’t catch the humor and we left.  

……………………

Number three,  possibly the very worse one ever was the Classy Cockroach.

It happened while we were living on the Coast.

There was a restaurant in the park, up on a cliff, looking out at the water.  

It was often our go-to.

Quaint.

Romantic.

 

We had a favorite window table, number 7.  

Perfect for two and the most beautiful view of the Monterey Bay.  

It was take-our-breath-away beautiful.

One evening moments after my first bite of the lobster I’d ordered, I noticed a little something kinda underneath the empty tail shell that was on my plate.

I’ve never understood that….. why does the empty shell accompany the lobster on the plate?

Whatever the answer is…..it doesn’t make sense.

But, there was one on my plate and there was something under it that I didn’t think should be there.

I slowly and carefully examined it…..turned my plate real slow to get a better look.

Yep, there was something there and nope, it didn’t belong there, I was sure of that. 

For a moment I just kinda looked at it.  

Kinda grasshopper legs and two curly antennas. 

I was pretty sure it was alive, and that it was in fact, a living, breathing cockroach.

The waiter walked by, a kind, soft-spoken gentleman, maybe 50 years old.

It’s a small restaurant with tables fairly close to each other.

I didn’t want to make a scene. 

And here, my reader friends is where I ask you to go into cartoon mode because this kinda turned into a cartoon……

I motioned our waiter to come to our table. 

When he arrived I kinda motioned with  my eyes for him to look down at my finger that was pointing at something on my plate.

His face, immediately screamed PANIC!

That poor man.

He took his napkin and tried to grab Mr C. Roach from under my lobster tail shell.

Nope, wasn’t gonna happen.

Mr C. hopped out from under the shell, off my plate and on to the table.

That poor waiter.

He took his black, wadded-up linen napkin and a bit too loud, pounced it down on the happy hopper but, he missed.

It took one more hard, loud pounce with the napkin before Mr C was a goner.

And now, everyone was watching…..no one was eating.

I looked across the romantic table to see how my sweet man was handling all of this.  

I’m the blood and guts nurse of the family, my hero gets weak-kneed.

His face was white, I mean WHITE!

His hands were shaking.

“I gotta get outta here,” and just like that it was me, the waiter and the cockroach.

Cockroach securely wadded in the napkin, the frazzled waiter offered us a new table and two new meals.  

I could see my sweet man out the window, he was hanging over the wood fence at the edge of the cliff.

I didn’t know for sure but he kinda didn’t look like he was hungry any longer.

Of course there was no charge and once again, a free meal offer for another day.

We never went back.

Eventually the restaurant closed its doors permanently and we were sad.

Sometimes when something horrible, gross turns into a memory…..it turns funny.

A year never goes by that we don’t visit that mind-blowing peninsula, drive down that awesome street along the coast, walk that amazing park, remember and laugh.

……………………

My final cockroach story is simply honorable mention.

Let me just tell you this…..

Mauie cockroaches?

B-52 Bombers!

It took us one night to realize that the cockroaches that roam Maui kitchens can, in one evening rearrange all your cupboards and counters.

And they’re loud…..very loud and I don’t think they care.  

Cockroaches and Geckos….. things in the Maui night…..but that’s another story.

……………………

And, I still can’t figure out WHY the lobster gets delivered with the empty shell on top?