This is a true story.
After you read it, you’ll believe it was true because it was just too stupid to make up.
And that’s the truth!

The first time I ever flew anywhere on a plane was Christmas break, my senior year of high-school.
I flew to New York, NOT on a jet.
I don’t think jets existed then.
And, that’s a disgusting thought!

It was an exhilarating experience.
That was back when people dressed their best to travel by plane.
I still remember what I wore.
A white wool coat with 3 big black buttons and a pair of high-as-they-got-in-the-60’s heels with horrible pointed toes (the beginning of bunions!)

By the time I flew again, jets were in the sky.
I thought travel by air was fascinating and I actually enjoyed it.

But what happened when I was flying with my two little girls, aged 3 and 7 changed my feelings about flying…..

We hit turbulence…..big time turbulence.
We got joggled around pretty bad, the stewardesses (which is what they were called back then) were buckled up in their seats and the Pilot was tryin’ to be calm announcing something that sounded to me like, “HANG FRIGGIN ON.”
People got tense, little whimpers, a few muffled screams, my heart was racing and my little 3 year old puked all over.

When they were up and moving around again, a stewardess walked smack passed me aware that I was struggling with a 3 year old covered with puke and a 7 year old cryin’ because the 3 year old puked.
I had to call her over and actually ask for her help even though she could see what I was trying to deal with.

That was a bad fly experience and the beginning of my fear of flying.

I still flew, went as far as Hawaii once but every time, it got harder and harder for me to commit to, “Yes, I’ll get on the plane.”

I would begin obsessing the moment we purchased tickets.
Things would go through my mind like…..if you crash, you’d still be alive if you hadn’t gotten on the plane.
Or thoughts of falling into the cold water and being eaten by fish…..Karma come true for all the Fish ‘n Chips I ate over my lifetime.

Mostly it was the pilot that worried me.

Did he get enough sleep the night before?
Did he leave home that morning pissed at his wife for something?
Did he have a good breakfast and plenty of coffee?
Was he drunk?
Drugged?

And the plane.

Was it an old piece of crap in need of much repair?
Who knew?

For a while I could be coaxed on a plane if I had enough Bloody Mary’s and Valium in me but there were a few major fly incidents that finally made me honor my phobia and swear I’d never get on a plane again.

The following TOTALLY TRUE, NON- EMBELLISED story is one of them.

It was October 6th, I don’t remember the year…..quite a while ago.
It was opening day of the new Sacramento International Airport and also the day we were headed east.

However, lucky for us Delta was still in the small, familiar old terminal.

We were one building away from all the unknowns that were about to happen to us on day one of a brand new terminal.

We were up and out the door by 4:15 a.m.
We arrived at the airport at 5 a.m., plenty of time for our 6 a.m. flight.
We zipped through security with no problem…..a sign, we figured, that it was gonna be an easy day.
WRONG!
At 5:30 it was announced that our flight was changed from 6:00 to 7:30.
(I panicked, Lobo stayed calm.)
At 6:30 a loud voice over-head announced that our flight had been CANCELLED.
Done!
Gone!!
Just like that…..no flight!
I’m not sure I should tell you this part because I’m betting you won’t believe it but, that doesn’t make it not true.
It IS true, I swear.
The voice that announced that the flight had been cancelled, said three other words…..”PLANE IS BROKE!”
I can assume you don’t believe me.
I don’t believe me either but that’s what he said…..”Plane is broke!”
Who says that?????

The angry, grumbling passengers who just had gotten the boot started toward the counter like a herd of mad cows.
The two women behind the counter said nothing, just nervously handed every person a card with numbers to call to book new flights and gee, everyone was given two six-dollar food vouchers.
That was NOT gonna buy me the Bloody Mary’s I was beginning to feel a great need for.

The cell phones heated up, everyone calling the numbers trying to get on a plane.
Lobo pulled out his cell phone and began punching the numbers, still calm.
Well, he did have a few choice words to mumble about airlines but he was still his calm self.
I had to wonder in a situation like this…..what would we do without those miserable cell phones?

Within minutes, he did it!
He got us a new flight; leaving Sacramento at 1:15 p.m., making a few pit-stops and arriving in Motown at 10:30 p.m.
I blocked out of my mind that we’d be taking off and landing way more times than we’d bargained for.

We called the car rental place in Detroit, told them we’d be late and to hold our car.

Just then we heard another passenger mention that Alaska Airlines had earlier flights out.
Back to the counter to speak to the two non-speaking nervous women along with the stampede of other bumped passengers.
We stood in line for 45 minutes waiting for our turn, only to be told that their computers were frozen AND they (the old terminal where we were) didn’t have the number of the new terminal (where Alaskan Airlines was) and so they had to call an 800 number and wait and wait to get Alaska Airlines number.
Do you believe this?
Well neither did we!
There were about 200 more angry passengers standing in that line behind us waiting to talk to somebody and the mood was getting scary.

And then a miracle…not only did they connect with Alaskan Airlines they also found us a flight to Seattle.
Seattle?
We’d leave Sacramento at 10:15 a.m., go to Seattle land and get off the plane and eventually some how end up in Detroit at 9 p.m.
We cancelled the other flight.

It was then we realized that because Alaskan Airlines was in the new terminal and we were in the old terminal, we needed to get over there…..FAST!

There was no golf-cart airport transportation to get us from one terminal to the other.
We were told the fastest way to get to the new terminal was on foot through the parking structure which was between both buildings.
There was a ramp on the far end of the parking structure, connecting the old terminal to the new.

The only other way was down into the street to catch a shuttle bus which would have take way more time than we had.

Dragging our luggage behind us, we began our trip to the new terminal.
We followed the signs and arrows up escalators, through the parking structure, along the ramp, down escalators and long hallways that looked like there was no end, hallways to nowhere!

It was a 20 minute fast-walk pulling our luggage behind us.
Kinda like a cardio work-out that we hadn’t bargained for.
Down one more escalator and there it was…..Alaskan Airlines.
We did it!
I imagined the ROCKY theme song escorting us to the counter.

But then another kick in the head…the computers were frozen and down for the count.
The employees behind the counter were obvioulsy stressed, (like we weren’t?) but we tried to be civil.
Even tried to joke about it but…..it wasn’t funny.
We stood at the counter and waited and somehow, before too long, we were handed our boarding passes.

Next we had to take a Tram to get to security and to our loading gate.
But first we had to walk what felt like a mile to get to the Tram.
It probably wasn’t really a mile…..it was probably TWO miles!

Eventually we spotted the People-Mover Tram ahead and sighed a sigh of relief.
All we had to do was get on it and not move, it would take us the rest of the way.
WRONG!
The People-Mover wasn’t moving and worse, the hallway we needed to go down was blocked off.
Airport employees were waiting for groups of puzzled passengers arriving at the not-moving People-Mover and then we were told to form a single file line and follow them to get to our destination.
We did as instructed and in moments we were walking on a scaffold…..OUTDOORS!
We weren’t up high, but still…..what the hell?
And remember, we were pulling our luggage.
Around the blocked off area we went and then back into the mega-million-dollar one-day-old, state-of-the-art-new-terminal.

A few more walking minutes and we were at the security check point.
You know the routine, grab a bucket on the conveyer belt, throw your purse in there; your shoes, your belt, empty your pockets, keys, wallet and everything else you’re carrying and move forward toward those with the magic wand.
As they waved it over my fearful self, I could only hope that no alarms would go off adding to an already unbelievable morning.

I went first and got through fine.
I looked back to see how Lobo was doing but, he was nowhere to be seen.
I heard his voice calling my name and I looked at the far end to see him in a roped off area with his hands extended and an “I don’t know WTF is goin’ on” look on his face.
At that very moment, the employee standing next to him yelled loud, “Random Check.”
Random check?
What the hell?
I hurried over and got as close as I could get to him and he reached his hand toward me to give me the boarding passes which prompted the random check guy to yell even louder, “Don’t touch him.”
Don’t touch him?
How ‘bout if I just puke?
A young female employee with a sense of humor, looked at me, grinned and said, “If you wanna run, run now.”
Run?
Seriously, I wanted to puke.
I stood frozen and watched them frisk my husband who looked about as dangerous as a sleeping puppy.
At that moment, it hit me…..that 5-in-one thing that he carried on his keychain, there was a pocket-knife on it.
Oh Sweet Jesus, he was goin’ to jail.
Well, he didn’t go to jail but his handy-dandy tool was tossed in the trash.
When they finally released their hostage he walked toward me smiling.
That got him a slug in the arm from me, a hard one!

We put our shoes back on and checked the flight information board which indicated we needed to head for Gate B-21.
We followed the B-21 arrows, and within ten more walking minutes, we arrived.
We each grabbed a seat and gave out a heavy sigh and didn’t move or talk for a few moments until almost at the same time we both looked around and wondered why were we the only people at gate B-21.

We asked a passing-by employee why were we the only people at B-21?
Where was everybody else?

Oh…..well that’s because B-21 was changed to B-8!
I did the math.
We needed to go back THIRTEEN gates and I NEEDED a Bloody Mary!

On the way to B-8, we stopped at a breakfast cafe.
I’m not a breakfast eater BUT, there was a bar and I needed some juice…..tomato with things in it, a double-shot of Vodka for one!

While we were waiting for service, I decided to call our daughter Melissa and vent.
I told her about the nightmare we were involved in and her only reply was, “Poor Lobo.”
That’s it!
Poor Lobo!

The waitress finally approached us as we were just starting to wonder if we were invisible.
Lobo ordered cereal.
I ordered…..a Bloody Mary.
She needed to see my ID!
Really?
Did that mean at FIFTY-something, she couldn’t tell if I was twenty one?
I gave her my driver’s license and when she handed it back, I changed my order to TWO Bloody Mary’s!
She then asked if I was going to eat something.
You guessed it!
“Yes, I’m going to eat the two Bloody Mary’s,” I told her.

Lobo ate, I drank, we paid the tab and headed over to B-8 Gate.

We arrived but on the flight information board, behind the B-8 counter, it said we were going to
MAUI!!!!!

I looked at Lobo, shook my head and suggested what the hell, let’s just go to Maui.

An employee happened by and we asked about the Maui posting on the board.
He said we should ignore it, all the boards were wrong!
OK, so WHERE were we going?
Nobody knew!
I knew this much…..I needed another Bloody Mary and Lobo needed to use the restroom.
Well, guess what?
The B-8 bathroom was out of order.
The brand new terminal had been open for only hours and the B-8 toilets didn’t work?
We walked (quickly) back to the B-21 bathrooms.
Then back to B-8 and BINGO, it was time to board de plane.
However, shortly after we were seated on the plane, it was announced there would be a 15 minute delay before take-off

Ok my reader friends, if you’ve gotten this far with this story but think it’s got some lyin’, exaggeratin’ or embellishing in it, then I sugggest you just stop reading.
Stop right this moment, just don’t read anymore and that’s because what came next was even harder to believe than what we’d just experienced.
If you choose to go forward, all I can do is promise you, NOTHING, not one stinkin’ thing was made up.
I swear.

Still with me?

WHY was take off going to be fifteen minutes late those of us ON the plane wanted to know?
Well, because only half the passengers were on board.
The rest were still at the gate.
Why?
Because the computers in the new state-of-the-art-international-airport were frozen again.
That’s why.

Eventually the rest of the VERY GRUMPY passengers were on the plane and much to our surprise, we flew away.

We arrived in Seattle fifteen minutes late but were assured by the stewardess that we had plenty of time to catch our connection, it wasn’t leaving for another hour.
She suggested we use our vouchers and get something to eat as they were only good for that day.

That was the day we realized that stewardesses will say anything to just keep you quiet and get you away from them and off their plane!
(My apologies, Alisa.)

There were employees waiting at the exit of the plane advising everyone where they needed to go to catch their next flight.
Well, everyone but us.
Why?
We were told that Delta hadn’t decided what gate they were going to use yet, that’s really what she told us.
We walked to the flight information screens, our flight was there, just no gate number.
Every single flight had a gate but ours, I swear.
There were 250 flights listed on those screens, they ALL had gates except one.

We asked the transporter guy where should we go for Delta.
He said, “down the hall, look to the left and take the down escalator to the train.”
The train?
What train?
We began the journey dragging our luggage behind us.
“down the hall” was again another one of those mile long hallways and finally when we looked to the left, there they were, the escalators.
The closer we got to those maving steps the more we realized there were two going down but they weren’t moving.

We dragged our CRAP down two friggin’ long flights of stairs.

We missed the train.

Not to worry, another one was coming in 2 minutes.
It did and we got on.

The loudspeaker said that Delta was in “S” and we needed to ride train # 2 to get to “S.”

That was fairly easy.
Train #1 stopped at our destination, we waited 2 minutes and train #2 pulled up.

Just a few minutes later and that train # 2 ride was over.

The Delta signs and arrows were indicating we needed to lug our stuff up two long looking flights of stairs.
No escalators.
We figured there MUST be an elevator but were afraid of the time and the fact that maybe if we ever found the elevaators, of which we weren’t sure there were any…would they work?

And so up the stairs we began, tugging and pulling our luggage up behind us.

We were tired.
Our minds and bodies had been scrambled since this nightmare began.
I dropped my luggage.
Yep, I dropped it, kinda fell right outta my hands.
All the stuff I had wrapped around the handle scattered on the steps and the piece of luggage went bumping down the steps.
Half-way down a man blocked it.
Now I was going down against the up people, trying to get my stuff and reach my luggage.
Lobo was so far ahead of me he didn’t even realize that I was going down instead of up.
AND…..I began to cry!
Yes I did.
The damn broke and the tears flew out.

By the time I got to the top of flight number two of stairs, Lobo was quite a bit ahead of me.
It had been my idea that he go ahead.
I couldn’t keep up with him and suggested he go as fast as possible and hold the damn plane.

Eventually he looked back and started back toward me.

I stopped long enough to secure all the bags around the handle of my luggage and then we ran.
I mean we ran like I hadn’t run since maybe 1952.

We stopped at another bunch of flight information boards.
Again, we found our flight, it was up there alright but no gate number.

There was no one to ask other than a large group of airline employees all standing together, maybe 10 or 15 of them.

In desperation we thought maybe they could help us so we rushed over and Lobo began talking.
They all looked at him, every single one of them, blankly.
One of them eventually said, “No English…..Lufthansa.”
What the hell is that…..Lufthansa?
Much later I found that Lufthansa was an airline.

This brought on more tears.

The only thing around that we could see was a Korean Airline Counter, we hurried over.

My darling man was a few feet ahead of me, and history was made at that moment.

My mild-mannered, soft-spoken, never-raised his voice at me EVER, husband turned around, and I saw fire in his eyes and very slowly, very controlled he said, “I will never fucking fly with you again.”
He did!
That’s exactly what he said.

“Good” was all I could manage between my sobs.

An English speaking Korean woman employee checked the computer, which was working!

She politely in her broken English told us that we were in the WRONG BUILDING!!

Noooooooooooo!!!!!

Time was running out.

Back to the trains.
We ran, I mean ran.
Remember that TV commercial with O.J. Simpson running through the airport?
We could have kept up with him.

I stumbled, didn’t fall but dropped my luggage again, scooped it up and kept on running.
Oh, and I was still crying.

We reached the escalators AGAIN and…..they were still not working.
Down 300 steps pulling our luggage behind us.
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary!!!

We reached the Tram, got on and didn’t speak.

When it stopped at our destination…..we were exactly at the spot where we started.
I knew what was next…..300 steps up, the escalators were still not working.

Lobo starts to cry…..just teasin’!

And then there it was, our Gate.
More Rocky music!
We double checked and YES, we were where we were suppose to be and we had about 15 minutes before we boarded.

We were hungry.

We took our two six-dollar vouchers to an unbusy looking sandwich shoppe across from our gate.
The waiter said the sandwiches we ordered would take about 20 minutes.
Twenty minutes to make two simple sandwiches?
WHY?
Never mind, we weren’t hungry anymore.

Lobo needed to use the restroom, it was down the hallway but not too far.
I could see it.
I stayed in place near the gate guarding the luggage.
The loudspeaker announced the boarding was beginning.
Now what?
Do I wait?
Do I board without him?
Anxiety swirled around in my head.
I couldn’t see him coming.
I dragged all the luggage to the gate and stood there not knowing what to do other than I would jump the person who tried to shut the doors before we got on.
And then he was there, right next to me.
I told him I wanted to go HOME!
We boarded.
HOWEVER…..
the person that took our tickets failed to give us our seat assignment tickets.
It dawned on us as we entered the plane that we didn’t know where to sit.
Lobo questioned the stewardess who was busy shoving luggage up on top.
She turned around and looked at him and instilled in my brain forever, she said, ”Well, somebody’s gotta go back and get the tickets and it AIN’T gonna be me.”
GREAT!!!!!
Lobo took one look at me and headed off the plane.

So, there I stood with our luggage in the the aisle not big enough for even one person to pass by.
Nowhere to stand, nowhere to sit.
But, who cared?
NOBODY!!

Now, I was on the plane and Lobo wasn’t.
That damn door was NOT gonna close until he was back on and we were sitting down.
And, oh yes….I was still crying!
And who cared about THAT?
The same NOBODY!

It was only minutes but felt like days when there he was, my hero, friggin’ seat assignments in hand.
We found those seats, shoved the luggage up top and SAT DOWN.

My head was someplace it had never been trying to figure out how we’d wandered into The Twilight Zone after leaving our house that morning.

A very kind stewardess stopped at our seats and asked what could she do for us.

NOW, after all this crap, someone kind and helpful wanted to know what she could do for us.
Lobo, back in control, smiled at her and very calmly spoke, “this woman has just been put through AIRLINE HELL, I want you to bring her one Bloody Mary after another until we land and I’ll have two glasses of Merlot.”

The rest of the flight was uneventful
but…..
what the hell else could have happened?

NO, don’t go there!