3 years ago today my mom left this planet.
Sometimes it feels like 3 minutes ago and sometimes it feels like 300 years.

I was with her when the last breath of air left her body.
A huge sigh and she was gone.
I stood there wondering if I screamed loud enough would she’d come back?
She’d always been there for me whenever I needed her and I needed her more in that moment than ever in my life before or since.
But I knew she wasn’t coming, not this time.

My girls had been with my mom around the clock knowing she would be leaving soon.

When it was over, we held her hands and made a circle and we said three Hail Mary’s, her answer to every distress under the sun.
“Say three Hail Mary’s” was always her answer to every problem we ever went to her with and…..we did and…..it always worked.
And so, for the very last time with my mom, I said three Hail Mary’s.
And then it was good-bye.

My daughters stood guard with their grandma making sure she was handled gently and treated with respect while the two men lifted her onto their cart and wheeled her away.
I couldn’t be in the room.
I couldn’t look.
They were taking my mom away forever.
I was never, ever gonna see my mom again.
I was never gonna feel her soft skin again or help her decide what she was gonna wear for the day or fix her hair or put on her make up or be delighted when she loved what I made her for dinner, or surprise her with her favorite cookies or candy.
We were never gonna watch the birds together and be thrilled as so many of them flew right over our heads every late afternoon.
We were never gonna bundle her up again and wheel her outside to watch the sun set as it dipped into the Pacific.
It was all over.
I didn’t have a mom anymore.

I realize this is nothing unique to me.
Having and losing a mom happens to us all.
But today, my heart is heavier and sadder.
Today the memories of this date come front and center in my minds eye.
Today, I need my mom to whisper that it’s OK and I can do this.

Today I will say three Hail Mary’s and feel her near.