It comes too fast.  

This is number four without my mom and as long as I’m alive, her leaving will remain raw like it just happened.

I know I’m not alone, it’s a club none of us want to belong to but, we don’t get to vote on that.

She wasn’t the best mom…..I wasn’t the best daughter but these past four years without her have taken me backwards in my thoughts to realize that what she was, was the best she knew how to be.

I don’t think I ever saw my mom as a person, a woman with a story all her own.  

I saw her as my mom…..you know, the always-there for me person.

But the first 22 years of her life belonged to her, a girl then a woman. 

Do you know that part of your mom?  The part before she became a mom?

I wish I’d asked her…..

-What was her childhood like?

-Did she have a favorite sister? 

-Did she have a BFF? What did they do? 

-Did she have boyfriends? Dates? 

-What kind of teenager was she?

-Did she get along with my Mimi and her sisters and brothers?

-Did she have any dreams for her life?

I know how she met my father, but…..

-what happened?

I watched her struggle, I saw how she got through….. it looked like hell and it must           have felt at least that bad.

And I know why she stayed with the torment so long because she told me.

If I could, I’d tell her I still remember…..

-the nursery rhymes she taught me, the same ones I taught my girls

-the song she used to tease me with when I would pout. (I’d like to say here that I have no recollection of EVER pouting, I just remember that song!) 

-the bedtime stories she read to me so animated

-her making glue out of flour and water so I could be artistic (which I wasn’t!)

-the board games she played with me almost every night

-getting on our knees nightly and saying the rosary together

-eating chicken pot-pies with her after midnight on Friday nights (a Catholic thing!)

-the help she gave me with my school assignments and homework

-how she made every birthday and Christmas magical

-that she made sure I was dressed as well as every other girl in school

-the beautiful prom dresses she always helped me find

-the time I needed a “dressy” dress and there was no money so she sacrificed her favorite dress, took it apart and remade it to fit me and sewed it all by hand, made it beautiful and I loved it

-the boyfriend “plotting” that she helped me with

-what an awesome “nurse” she was every time I was ill

-the taste of her chicken and dumplings

-how she made the best of every crappy situation

-that saying three Hail Mary’s fixed everything and it still works

One more time I’d like to say…..

-how sorry I am for heartaches I gave her and that the good memories have wiped out the bad.

-that she was a pretty cool mom. 

-that I always knew I could count on her and that was such a safe feeling.  

-that she cracked me up, even in her 90‘s she wanted to be included in on everything we did and, she was.

-that I feel hugs from her every night when I wrap up in the afghan she made for me. 

-thank you to her for teaching me very early that I could be or do anything in the whole world that I wanted to be or do.  I’ve lived by that.

-that she was a perfect grandma to my girls, they had so much fun with her…..so many crazy times. 

like the time she went out the 2nd story window slide at the Halloween spook house, lost her earring and almost peed but laughed with them all the way down. 

Or the time she drove down to Detroit all by herself to get Shawn Cassidy tickets for them. 

and every Friday taking turns with one of them and a friend to spend the night with her.

She attended every school function they were involved in, bought hundreds of Girl Scout Cookies and every other thing they sold.

She was The Magic Fairy and how exciting it was for them to come home from school now and then and find gifts left for them from The Magic Fairy.

I hope she knew…..

-that I knew how proud she was of me (maybe even a bit too much)

-that it was a thrill for me to have her help me with my book, reading it page by page, editing and discussing it every day from the very first to the very last page

-that I was proud of her, she handled her aging process with much grace

-that I got a kick outta her ‘cause she was pretty funny

-that my true grit came from her

-that she taught me when there’s no solution to a problem, really there is because NO isn’t a word and impossible is possible.

-that Id keep my promise and take care of her Violet plant.  It’s beautiful and flourishing.  

-that I’d miss her, I do, so horrible much

-that I’m sorry she didn’t stay long enough for me to take her down to the water to see “real surfers” like I promised and I feel so bad about that

-that like her, I’ve made my mistakes but also like her, I do my best

-that I’m so, so sorry for the hell she went through until my two daughters began investigating on their own and found the horrible things going on with the director of nursing and her medication 

I’m SO sorry for that time

-that I loved when she yelled out in court while the nurse who stole her medications was on trial.

-that the greatest gift she could have left me with were two of her final words, ”I’m happy”  

I can still hear her voice and sometimes I can feel her near.

My card to my mom won’t come from Hallmark, it’ll come from my heart and I know for a short time, she’ll be right there to feel what I’m sending to her.   

Throughout the day I’ll read all kinds of MOM posts, tributes, happy and sad and…..I’ll cry. 

And next time I talk to my daughter Sweet Melissa, I’ll tell her AGAIN, how thankful I am that she listened to her heart, not to me and brought her Grandma back to California to live near all of us for the last ten years of her life.

If you’re lucky enough to still have your mom, you know what I’m gonna say in closing…..

HUG HER

KISS HER 

THANK HER and 

TELL HER how special she is every day, not just on Mother’s Day

and…..

I envy you.